Background
Some marriages do not have one big problem. Instead, closeness fades slowly.
Conversations become mostly about bills, children, work and household tasks. A couple may still care deeply for each other, but they stop enjoying time together. Nothing looks seriously wrong from the outside, yet the relationship no longer feels as warm as it once did.
The PERMA model can help couples look at this more clearly. Developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, PERMA describes five parts of wellbeing: Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment.
It was not created as a form of marriage therapy. It cannot resolve abuse, betrayal, severe conflict or mental-health concerns on its own. Couples facing ongoing problems may need online marriage counselling in India with a professional who understands relationship dynamics.
However, PERMA can start a useful conversation. Instead of asking only, “Are we happy?”, couples can look at the different parts of life they share and notice what has been missing.
Positive Emotion: Do You Still Enjoy Being Together?
Positive emotion does not mean staying cheerful all the time. It includes ordinary feelings such as affection, gratitude, humour, comfort and enjoyment.
These moments can disappear when life becomes busy. Dinner turns into a discussion about expenses. Weekends are spent completing errands. One partner does something thoughtful, but the other is too distracted to notice.
Research suggests that sharing positive moments may have benefits beyond simply feeling good alone. A 2025 study reported by the American Psychological Association followed 321 cohabiting couples aged between 56 and 89 in Canada and Germany. Researchers found lower cortisol levels when both partners were together and experiencing positive emotions.
This does not mean that laughing together will solve a troubled marriage. The study involved older couples in two countries, so its findings should not be applied to everyone. Still, it shows that positive experiences shared with a partner may matter in their own way.
Couples can begin by noticing small things. What made both of you laugh this week? When did you feel relaxed together? Did your partner do something you appreciated but never mentioned?
The goal is not forced positivity. It is simply to stop letting good moments pass unnoticed.
Engagement: Are You Spending Time Together or Just Sharing a Room?
Many couples spend several hours in the same place without really connecting. One person may be answering work messages while the other scrolls through a phone. They are together, but their attention is elsewhere.
Engagement means being genuinely absorbed in something. For couples, this might happen while cooking, walking, gardening, playing a game or talking about something both find interesting.
It does not require an expensive date or a new activity every weekend. Even an ordinary task can feel connecting when both partners are mentally present.
A useful question is: “When did we last enjoy doing something together without being distracted?”
The answer may reveal an important difference between available time and meaningful time. A couple might spend every evening together and still have very little shared engagement.
Relationships: Do You Feel Heard and Supported?
The relationship part of PERMA is not simply about being married. It concerns the quality of the connection.
Can both partners speak openly without being mocked or threatened? Can they disagree without turning the discussion into a personal attack? Do they offer support when the other person is struggling?
Daily communication can easily become practical:
- Who will collect the child?
- Did you pay the electricity bill?
- What time are your parents arriving?
- Who is buying groceries?
These conversations keep a household running, but they do not always maintain emotional closeness.
Couples also need space to ask how the other person is feeling, what has been difficult and what kind of support would actually help. Listening does not require immediate agreement. Sometimes a partner wants their experience to be understood before discussing a solution.
PERMA can highlight this need, but it should not make serious behaviour look harmless. Controlling behaviour, intimidation, repeated humiliation, violence or fear cannot be fixed through gratitude exercises. These situations require appropriate individual support and safety planning.
Meaning: What Are You Building Together?
Meaning is the feeling that life connects to something larger than immediate comfort or pleasure. Within a marriage, this may come from shared values, family life, faith, community, caregiving or a future both partners want to build.
This question is especially relevant in Indian marriages. Decisions may involve children, parents, in-laws, religion, finances and responsibilities within a joint family.
These connections can bring purpose, but they can also create pressure. A couple may spend years meeting everyone else’s expectations without discussing what they want their own marriage to become.
Meaning is not the same as staying together because society expects it. It comes from values the couple understands and chooses together.
They might ask:
- What matters most to us as a couple?
- What kind of home are we trying to create?
- Which family responsibilities feel meaningful to both of us?
- Have our priorities changed since we married?
Partners do not need identical answers. The conversation is useful because it brings hidden differences into the open before they turn into resentment.
Accomplishment: Do You Recognise What You Have Managed Together?
Couples often move from one challenge to the next without acknowledging what they have already handled.
They may have adjusted after relocation, supported each other through illness, raised children, managed financial pressure or rebuilt parts of the relationship after a difficult period. Once the immediate problem has passed, that shared effort is easily forgotten.
Accomplishment in a marriage is not limited to visible milestones such as buying a home. It may include learning to discuss money without shouting, setting healthier boundaries with relatives or returning to a difficult conversation instead of avoiding it.
Ask each other, “What have we handled well together?”
Remembering progress does not erase present problems. It reminds both partners that their relationship also contains effort, learning and things they have managed as a team.
What If Marital Stress Is Affecting a Child?
Conflict between partners does not always remain between them. Children may notice raised voices, prolonged silence, tension during meals or sudden changes in family routines, even when adults believe they are hiding the problem.
A child might become quieter, irritable or unusually worried. There may be changes in sleep, school participation, behaviour or confidence. These signs do not automatically mean that marital conflict is the cause, but persistent changes deserve attention.
Families may consider online child counselling when a child appears to need separate, age-appropriate support. This should not be used to make the child adjust to an unresolved adult problem. The marriage and the child’s concerns may need to be handled separately.
Try a Simple PERMA Check-In
Couples do not need to turn PERMA into a detailed assessment. They can use it for a short monthly conversation.
Each partner can answer five questions:
- What brought some warmth or enjoyment into our relationship recently?
- When did we feel genuinely involved in something together?
- Where have you felt supported or unsupported by me?
- What feels meaningful about the life we are building?
- What have we managed well as a couple?
The aim is not to give perfect answers. One partner may feel proud of the couple’s financial progress, while the other feels that work has taken over the marriage. That difference is useful information.
What PERMA Can and Cannot Do
Research has found strong links between PERMA and wellbeing. However, a 2023 systematic review noted that much of the available research was correlational, cross-sectional and based on self-reported information.
In simple terms, people with higher PERMA wellbeing often report better functioning, but that does not prove that completing PERMA exercises will strengthen every marriage.
The model can help couples notice what has faded from their shared life. It may show that the marriage contains responsibility but little enjoyment, time together but little engagement, or achievement without appreciation.
It cannot diagnose a mental-health condition, guarantee relationship improvement or replace professional help. It will also have limited value when one partner expects the other to do all the work.
A stronger relationship is not created by following five steps perfectly. It develops when both people are willing to look honestly at their life together, recognise what still works and address what no longer does. PERMA offers a useful place to begin that conversation.
Looking at Relationships Through a Positive Psychology Lens
One of the strengths of the PERMA model is that it looks beyond happiness as the sole measure of a fulfilling relationship. A couple may experience positive moments while still struggling with emotional connection, shared purpose or a sense of progress. Equally, they may have a stable and supportive relationship but find that enjoyment and engagement have gradually diminished. By considering Positive Emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment together, PERMA offers a broader framework for reflecting on these different dimensions of shared life. It does not provide a formula for a successful marriage, nor has it been established as a standalone relationship intervention. Rather, it offers couples a structured way to recognise their strengths, identify areas that need attention and have more meaningful conversations about their wellbeing together.
References
- Butler, J., & Kern, M. L. (2016). The PERMA-Profiler: A brief multidimensional measure of flourishing. International Journal of Wellbeing, 6(3), 1–48. https://doi.org/10.5502/ijw.v6i3.526
- Cabrera, V., & Donaldson, S. I. (2024). PERMA to PERMA+4 building blocks of well-being: A systematic review of the empirical literature. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 19(3), 510–529. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2023.2208099
- Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Free Press.
- Yoneda, T., Lewis, N. A., Pauly, T., Kolodziejczak-Krupp, K., Drewelies, J., Ram, N., Ashe, M. C., Madden, K. M., Gerstorf, D., Haase, C. M., & Hoppmann, C. A. (2025). Better together: Coexperienced positive emotions and cortisol secretion in the daily lives of older couples. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Personality Processes and Individual Differences. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000564